i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
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I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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