There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Randomize
