you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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