M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
