2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
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