she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
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