I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
