did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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