The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
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Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
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I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
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