It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Randomize
