i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
