You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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