I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
Randomize
