24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
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