I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
well you can't waste a boner
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
