Swine flu. Run for my life!
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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