Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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