You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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