Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
smoking a bowl while I'm peeing. i love having a big dick.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
