I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
