Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Randomize
