I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
