We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
This beer is not sobering me up at all
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
