I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
