oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
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