Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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