3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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