can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Drunk is not a location!
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
