let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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