guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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