Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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