Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Randomize
