i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
