I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
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Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
They have beer where we have blood.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
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