I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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