so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
