I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
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At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
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Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Even if they did assume we were doing kinky shit, it's not like they're gonna be like, "HALT SATAN! INTAKE SOME JESUS AND VOMIT YOUR SINS!"
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