I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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