But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
