I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
