A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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