Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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