hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
