is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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