just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
