the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
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