Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
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I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
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I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
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