Who wears a wallet chain?!
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Randomize
