Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
