His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
