All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
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