If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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